wow check this shit out.

So i like horoscopes and stuff like that. I like to read about sign compatibility between taurus (me) and other signs. My boyfriend happens to be an aquarius and this is what i happen to find!

The Taurus woman and the Aquarius man are fascinated by each other’s very different personalities.

The Aquarius man loves to be alone or with a million pals and needs more freedom than anyone else.

As long as the Taurus woman can tolerate the Aquarius man’s ex-lovers being his friends, the combination is good for a fun-loving affair.
(http://www.eastrolog.com/horoscope-love-match/taurus-woman-aquarius-man.php)

WTF!

He loves me...He loves me not

:) i feel soooooooooo much better. Everything got worked out annnnnd it just feels like i'll be able to not be so sad anymore! I seriously thought that if i asked him to stop talking to his ex that he would refuse and that would just break me down. But I was wrong and i'm happy that i was wrong. Becauase i really do love him; i feel like he really showed me today that he does love me as much as i love him. enough of this LOVVEE business...i got my camcorder and haven't recorded myself yet. lol. i suck at life. plus i look terrible on camera without make-up, puffy eyes, hair a mess. And it makes me sad to admit that....my lips aren't just right for my face...my lips are just big :( lol. ugh.

<3 eileen

fuckingpeiceofshit

i'm sorry if it seems that all my posts are about negative things. but its 12:23 AM and i don't wanna wake anybody up with the same bullshit. as a matter of fact i just don't wanna talk to anyone right now. I'm so angry, hurt, i don't know. I DON'T KNOW. i can't stand it. this is a rant if you couldn't already tell. I'm not someone who self-loathes and wants pity and shit. i'm usually a very happy person. but i've cried more in the past couple months than ever. It's not fair to me. i don't deserve this. i deserve to have someone who wakes up with ME on their mind and not some other girl. i'm not happy. i don't want to be angry everyday. there's always something. I could be having the best fucking day ever and i go home and see something that upsets me. i'm really tired of it. i cant even say half the things i wanna say on here.

For my family...

Dear Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,


Today was so unbelievably overwhelming for me. I attended a funeral of an amazing young lady who lost her life at the age of 18 because of driving drunk. I didn't know her very well but i couldn't even begin to IMAGINE losing anyone of you. And I could def. feel for her family's loss. Life is SOO precious; such a gift, and to lose it because of poor decisions like alcohol or drugs or being involved with the wrong people is just the saddest thing that can happen because it is all so preventable. I just want for all of you to be careful and make wise decisions. I'm so ridiculously blessed to have a beautiful, healthy, family who are smart enough to not be involved with the dangerous people or substances. There's soo much of life to look forward to and i just ask that you guys just think twice before getting into a car after you've been drinking or with someone who's been drinking.


I Love All Of You With All My Heart

My Obsession for this week!

So this week i've been super obsessed with this cover of trey songz single "I invented sex" I think its better than the original and i've been listening to it everyday since i found it.




Other things going on....
1.) hung out with an old love interest: It went surprisingly well. I was really shocked when he actually agreed to hang out. Just showed him around the city. It was late and i really needed to get home to study for an exam so we didn't do anything big. But we laughed and it was relaxing not awkward like i thought it would be. I had fun.

2.) Feelings: I'm starting to have these feelings of just not wanting to deal with shit. i want to just ignore everyone. take down facebook. and just disappear. It's almost close to impossible to do that now. Well i can at least start by shutting my phone off. The piece of shit shuts itself off in the middle of phone calls...this should be no different.

How do you disappear? How do you just escape?
thats all i wanna do.

To Whom It May Concern:

I've never wanted anything so much than to have someone to love and that loves me back just as much. I sort of have that now. Sort of because I don't feel like his heart is truly fully mine. And I thought I could get past the fact that his feelings aren't 100% for me alone because he made me believe that it was something that would pass. But it's two months later and he still says that those feelings for another are still there. And everyday my eyes see something that deep down bother me. Today I realized that if i were to keep waiting on his heart to be mine and mine alone, I would have to live everyday with a bit of sorrow. I wonder, how much longer is it going to take? The way I'm expressing myself may sound a little melodramatic but it doesn't matter because these feelings are true. I just don't know. I don't feel it's fair for me and I feel like it really tears me down at times. I just don't hold a performance for the world to see.

Random Thought/Desire of the Day

Not many people read my blogs, i know, but i have a need to type it out today. Just things that are in my head. Lately there's been apart of me that's screaming and kicking to be more fashionable. And no...i don't mean like this type of fashion:

where everything in my possession has to match. lol And i don't mean the stuff on runways that are unwearable like this:





but i feel like i can dress better than i do now. I used to do the dunks with the matching shirt and blah blah blah. But that's not me anymore. And if you're into it, there's nothing wrong with that, I'm just over it. I feel like one of the main things keeping me back from unleashing my super fashionable ego (lol) is where I live. I'm not saying that people in Texas have no style. If you go to the right places you can find a whole mecca of a subculture almost like the hipsters of Williamsburg. But it's the kind of place you run into accidently. Anyway, I don't think i want to type exactly how i feel about the fashion here because i don't want to offend anyone but i just don't wanna feel outta place when i show up to a get-together well dressed and everyone looks like they just got out of bed. There's a couple of people that i know that take that step and don't care about feeling over-dressed and i wish i could say name and commend those people and say "i have so much respect for you for being able to be your own person and not care" but once again i don't wanna offend people.
Those are one of the things that i want to work on, slowly but surely. Just being comfortable expressing myself through my clothes, through photography, and anything else that comes along and helps.

Thanks for Reading :)

Eileen