To Whom It May Concern:

I've never wanted anything so much than to have someone to love and that loves me back just as much. I sort of have that now. Sort of because I don't feel like his heart is truly fully mine. And I thought I could get past the fact that his feelings aren't 100% for me alone because he made me believe that it was something that would pass. But it's two months later and he still says that those feelings for another are still there. And everyday my eyes see something that deep down bother me. Today I realized that if i were to keep waiting on his heart to be mine and mine alone, I would have to live everyday with a bit of sorrow. I wonder, how much longer is it going to take? The way I'm expressing myself may sound a little melodramatic but it doesn't matter because these feelings are true. I just don't know. I don't feel it's fair for me and I feel like it really tears me down at times. I just don't hold a performance for the world to see.

Random Thought/Desire of the Day

Not many people read my blogs, i know, but i have a need to type it out today. Just things that are in my head. Lately there's been apart of me that's screaming and kicking to be more fashionable. And no...i don't mean like this type of fashion:

where everything in my possession has to match. lol And i don't mean the stuff on runways that are unwearable like this:





but i feel like i can dress better than i do now. I used to do the dunks with the matching shirt and blah blah blah. But that's not me anymore. And if you're into it, there's nothing wrong with that, I'm just over it. I feel like one of the main things keeping me back from unleashing my super fashionable ego (lol) is where I live. I'm not saying that people in Texas have no style. If you go to the right places you can find a whole mecca of a subculture almost like the hipsters of Williamsburg. But it's the kind of place you run into accidently. Anyway, I don't think i want to type exactly how i feel about the fashion here because i don't want to offend anyone but i just don't wanna feel outta place when i show up to a get-together well dressed and everyone looks like they just got out of bed. There's a couple of people that i know that take that step and don't care about feeling over-dressed and i wish i could say name and commend those people and say "i have so much respect for you for being able to be your own person and not care" but once again i don't wanna offend people.
Those are one of the things that i want to work on, slowly but surely. Just being comfortable expressing myself through my clothes, through photography, and anything else that comes along and helps.

Thanks for Reading :)

Eileen

yeah its been a looooongg timeeee.

I haven't been on here in a long time. basically after i "broke up" with someone. because when it comes down to it...thats what it was even though it wasn't a real relationship. it might as well shoulda been. But i've found someone here. Someone close to me, who makes me happy and i have a ton of fun with. We mesh so well. He know's when i'm upset, when i'm happy, when i'm angry, when i'm drunk...lol. Anyway, so i have the option of going to study in Pakistan for 8 months at a time. And it hurts only because i have been single for the majority of my life. I haven't had many boyfriends no matter what you choose to believe. And this one came along and completely surprised me. and i love it. We've been together for 2 months now. And i just have this feeling like, this is someone who i would have been with for a long time. i've never had any long term relationship, and i feel ready for it. But...all this talk about moving to Pakistan to study for four years makes me so sad. I wouldn't be able to keep a long term relationship with him. I would want him to be happy and if he finds someone while i'm away i want him to take full advantage of it. because i don't feel its fair for him to have to put his life on hold for me. I want him to be happy even though it means me being unhappy. Things aren't official as far as me and studying in pakistan goes. but i have a feeling that its gonna work out and i'll be going there soon and it just makes me sooo sad. But i know that my future and my career should go ahead of any man. (*i'm tearing up just thinking about it right now.*) but i believe in fate. and if its meant to be...then when i'm finished studying to become a neuro-physician in pakistan...if he's single, we'll be together, if not....thats something that i'll have to live with and i'll just have to continue on with my life, and convince myself that there's plenty of fish in the sea. Except...those fishes usually don't come my way. But still....

<3 Eileen

My Cousin Denise

I never thought that i could have a genuinely good time with my 7 year old cousin denise. Why?! because she talks 24/7, she's super clingy, she's annoying. BUUTT....i have to admit...today i enjoyed her company. She was making me laugh. doing all of these weird little accents. it was pretty funny. If i wake up early enough tomorrow we might make another video. But for now you can watch this one :)

No Settlements

Sometimes, you think those pair of shoes are right for you. Then time passes and you start noticing and learning things about the shoes. You realize that maybe this pair isn't the best pair for you. This pair is the complete opposite of what you actually want. And as much as you try to make them feel good, it's never enough. But the shoes are good shoes. This is the point where most stop and think "I'm not gonna get anything any better. These pair of shoes are comfy, durable, and a safe choice." Not me. I don't like to settle for any old pair. I can't keep em if they don't fit. But, how do you let them go? After liking em so much before. How do you say, hey i don't need to wear you everyday anymore. I'm gonna wear others.

I know the search for another pair of shoes may be a long one. But, I just wanna be happy. I want a pair of shoes that can make me happy and that smile everytime i wear them. And if that means shopping till i'm 40-55. I'm okay because I'm not gonna be one of those women committed to one pair of shoes that don't fit. With holes and worn out soles and split shoelaces. Where the white looks black and causes a lot of internal damage. No, not mee. I'm not gonna be one of those. But it's so hard just to put them back in the box and keep em in the back of the closet :(

I'm Soooooo Behind!!

I can't believe I haven't been posting anything!! I feel out of the loop. I haven't even logged in in a while. Life just got a little busy and things are on hold. Like my photography...but i saw a couple of things that really inspired to me today and i wanna take the time out to shoot some ideas myself. It's just kinda hard when i don't have a tripod, or at least a partner i could trust to take the photo for me. There's also people who SAY they want me to take their pictures but they don't follow up on the idea! Don't they understand that i'm offering this stuff for free. I'm pretty freakin good at it. I'm not saying i'm the best i'm just saying for an amateur i'm awesome and by letting me photograph you, you're helping me to get better. Sooo, if there's anyone out there that would like a new myspace picture that looks professionally done then please let me know. I'm also pretty handy with a make-up brush so i could def. do your make-up.
Besides thaaatt...i've had a crazy amount of ideas for vlogs! BUUTT, its kinda hard when all i have to record them would be the camera thats attached to my laptop :| womp womp. Ugh i need to stop making excuses and just DO IT!
I ran across a quote today that i fell in love with:

"Life is the dream, all you have to do is fulfill it"

Its like a better version of "life is what you make it" or "Make the best out of life"

Other things going on in my life...hmmm..
well finally i got this awesome job. Doing what i love, taking pictures and editing them, with my best friend. We work, we chill, we have fun, we lay back when its not busy. And the boss is SUPER awesome. Nicest boss i've ever had. My aunt calls me and says
"Hey Eileen, there's a job opening here at my job for a front desk cashier/reciever. It pays $15/hr and they're looking to hire quickly!"
Ugh...i really don't wanna leave the job i have now. Primarily because this coming semester i'll be taking a FULL course load in school and i know that i could get away with studying while on the job, whereas in my aunts job i don't think they'd allow it. I also plan on going to new york this june which has already been approved basically.

I think my mom got upset that i was thinking about not taking the job. Ugh. It stresses me out when she thinks i'm not making the right decisions. But its my life and i'm one of those people that doesn't sacrifice happiness for money. I know in the future i'll become a rich ass dentist (lol..seriously tho) but for now i just wanna drink, travel, and live life while i'm still able to pee and bathe by myself. Aging is no joke!! I wanna see the world and go through crazy experiences before i turn old.

Till Next Time,

Eileen

SAAYYY CHHHEESSEEE!

My Mood TOday:::: MUSICAL!

Today was my 2nd day at work and it couldn't have gone any better. I even took some pictures and the customer ended up buying the pictures! But yeah i've been so happy today for no apparent reason. lol. I've been jammin on my guitar. I was gonna do a video but i didn't wanna just post videos i want you people to also do some work and REAADDD! lol.

I'm in Dire need of a tennis buddy!!! so if you're free on weekday evenings like around 5:30 or 6. then pleeassee hit me up. because i'm tryna get in shape. I need to be beach ready! lol. i'm like seriously begging over here like the bums under 59 (its a major highway here in TX for those that didn't understand).

Hmmm....what else is worth mentioning?? You guys should really sign up for one of these things. it's awesome!!!!!!!!!!

That's aaalll folks. (porky pig...in honor of swine flu..hahaha.JK thats nothing to joke about! *frowny face*)